The week has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. From the effects of Ondoy to having to carry on with work to dealing with personal issues – these things have basically broken me down. I know that what I am going through right now is nowhere near what my countrymen are experiencing, but it is keeping me awake tonight, as it has been keeping me awake for the past few nights.
One thing that keeps going through my head is that I have this deep feeling of being unsatisfied; of needs not being met. These are not new; indeed, the issues are getting old. This is, in fact, what is prompting me to think that maybe the solution cannot be found anywhere (or in anyone) except “in me.”
A friend sent me a quote earlier.
“Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole” – Derek Walcott
I thought to myself, how timely. It suited the (then) prevailing atmosphere. I was not jubilant, but I had enough optimism to believe that somehow, some way, this too shall pass.
Several hours later, I find myself in my self-proclaimed spot on the couch. I sit here thinking, thoughts going in circles.
Is it right that I spend practically every night feeling “cold”?
Is it right that it takes me hours to finally fall asleep and still not feel better?
Is it right that I dread certain nights, knowing that differences in points of view, habits, and personalities will result in unpleasant exchanges?
Is it right that I spend practically every waking hour catering to someone else’s needs, only to find my own needs unmet?
Is it right that I am constantly finding myself being pushed to second, even third, place by someone who has always been on the top of my list?
When I read that quote for the first time, I was looking at the glass half-full. Now, I realize that there was an assumption made there; that there is something to reassemble those fragments, but is the assumption a sound one?
This is not a cultural thing. This is an issue that has deep roots, roots that you would find inside a person: core beliefs, core values, priorities.
The message I am getting is that the core values are totally different; that I am not high up on that priority list; that if there is anything to reassemble those fragments, it is up to me.
You see, uttering words is one thing. How easy is it to make promises? As easy as it is to break them.
And believe me, it seems to me that broken promises are all that I see these days.
Saying things is not the same as DOING things. I am a person of action. I believe in doing things to show your true feelings, your true intentions. This is what I have needed for the longest time, and it doesn’t look like I am getting it anytime soon.
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