“Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole” – Derek Walcott

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW , and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House – where will they put the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden spoon and fork

5. Secret Service staff won’t respond to :psst… psst” or “hoy…hoy…hoy”

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror, or the statue of the Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a Karaoke music-machine for every room in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow ‘Take Home’.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN’T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S. PRESIDENT IS……

1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan Boxes.

Hilarious, isn’t it? I guess D.L. has a Filipino writer hidden somewhere!

If you speak English and you have taught the language before (OR think that you can teach it), you may be interested in a job opportunity as an EFL (English as a Foreign Language) teacher.  goFLUENT Philippines is a distance learning company catering to European business people, and we are currently hiring teachers.

The position is actually open to anyone who speaks the language and has a passion for teaching – regardless of race.

There are two offices – one in Eastwood City and another in Alabang.  Work hours will depend on your specific circumstances, but the earliest shift starts at 12 noon and the latest at 7pm.  Compensation is above average (Manila standards).

If you’re interested in applying, send me a message and attach your resume.  The hiring period ends on September 30, 2009.

Anyhow, I did not get rid of the habit (of getting massages) as an adult.  Even luckier for me, massage services have become very affordable these days.   Here in Manila, you can call for home service for a mere PHP250 per hour; during off peak hours (1-5pm) you can even get 1.5hours for the same price!

Naturally, J got curious about my “addiction,” as he likes to call it.  He really didn’t like the idea of getting a massage as he is a bit sensitive as to who touches him (or maybe he just says that!).  One time, though, when he came back from football practice, his muscles were aching all over and he finally gave in.

Now you have to understand this: when I get a massage I always ask for the girl with the hardest pressure.  I like my muscles being kneaded and pounded down to the core.  I suppose that it was only natural for the masseuse to think that she would need to apply as much pressure – or even more – on my husband as he is over 6 feet tall and weighs double than me (oh, he’s gonna kill me for saying that).

Much to my surprise, a few minutes into the massage, J yells “Tell her to do it more gently!!!”

Apparently, J is indeed a softie – not only of heart, but also when it comes to massages.  I guess you can liken it to the times when I ask him to do something.  I have to cajole and woo him – coercing simply doesn’t work.

So now we have two massage addicts, who cannot go by a week without getting one.  Believe it or not, my tough guy of a hubby is now a massage convert.

For those of you who want good home service, here are my favorites:

My Spa: 0917 814 0908 (Look for Beng, the owner.  Their best girl is Emily)

Happy Massage: 0917 795 4888 (Tata is the best, Rose does a good job as well)

Photo courtesy of HealthSpaBlog

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started…

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

(My father-in-law would love this one!)

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

(I guess I am still lucky we haven’t had this conversation!)

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

(Winning entry, hands down!)

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

And then the fight started…

We’re making headway.  One day at a time, even an hour at a time.  This is hard work, but I am pretty sure that the journey is worth it, and the end of the road is going to be even more worth it.

His main job is from 7:30 am to 4:30 pm, and it really takes a lot from him.  First, he was never a morning person and his job requires him to wake up at 5:00 in the morning.  Second, he does not really like teaching but most of the opportunities for him here are in this field.

When he told me that he found a part time job from 6:30 pm to 10:30 pm – also teaching – I was pleasantly surprised.  He did say that he will try it out for 2 weeks to see if he can hack it,  but at least he is trying, right?

It’s a nice Easter gift, if I say so myself.

Anyhow, one area that we have had our struggles in is friendship;not our friendship with each other, but our own circle of friends.

When J arrived in the Philippines, naturally, he did not have friends “of his own.” It was his first time here, and he did not know anyone else aside from me. Of course, I introduced him to my friends, and he became part of our circle. In fact, being the extrovert that he is, he quickly made more friends in my office than I did.

Still, every so often, he would complain that he did not have friends to call his own. He would say that all of his friends are really “my” friends. I didn’t really think that was such a serious thing, but now that he has found his own circle of friends, I am starting to see how much he needed it.

He has been here for some years, and finally, it seems that he has found people to hang out with; people who are not part of my circle.

For those of you who are in a similar situation, here’s something to think about: if your partner comes over without knowing anybody else except you, encourage him (or her for that matter) to build up new friendships on his own.

I have to be honest about the whole thing and admit that I am still learning the ropes.  I am not a very sociable person, and I have not even met most of J’s new friends.  Sometimes, it bugs me that he would go out with them till the wee hours of the morning.  But I do realize that he has his own life, I have mine, and we have one together.  I think that I shall be continuing to learn more about this in the days (months, and years) to come.

Got any thoughts on this topic?

This is what my wonderful (American, native English speaker) husband said to me: “Why don’t you use words that I can understand?“

Now is it just him or is that a really strange word?